The UTD Mercury

Issue date: 10/4/04 Section: Sports

First things first.

I apologize to everybody who was inhumanely subjected to a picture of my partially-bare midriff on the back page of the last Mercury. Somehow the Power Dancers look so good in that pose. I now realize that I do not.

I'm not bitter, but I still think somebody paid off the French judge to give me a low score.

The conference-leading UTD women's soccer team is beating up on opponents to the point where it's really not fair.

Offensive leader Natalie Taylor has eight goals this season, which is exactly three more than all UTD adversaries combined. Her individual mark of 49 shots is two fewer than those launched at the Comet defense.

In fact, UTD leads its combined opponents in every single statistical category, except goals allowed. Come on girls, step it up.

Against the overmatched Ozarks, UTD exploded for eight goals. Now I couldn't quite tell from my vantage point, but I thought I saw that the back of the Ozarks' keeper's jersey said her name was Sieve.

Did anyone see the Cowboys' Monday night game against the Redskins? At first I couldn't figure out why Vinny Testaverde seemed so distracted, but then I realized the old man was missing Bingo night.

I think I've found a new sport for me - cross-country. When the University of Dallas came to campus for a duel meet tune-up, I decided I would see how I would finish against these finely-tuned athletes. Much to my surprise, I barely finished at the front of the pack. However, I didn't like it when the runners called me a cheater for riding in a golf cart.

I think it was the great financier Getty who astutely remarked, "If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars."

I say, "If you can count your strokes in a round of putt-putt, you're not having enough fun." Or maybe that's my rationalization for my intramural putt-putt score of 12 over par.

Nicole McCoy - leading the surprising first-year UTD volleyball team to a respectable 3-4 conference record so far - was named ASC Setter of the Week.

McCoy. Hmmm. Is that a British name? And if so, does that make her an English setter?

Only in volleyball can somebody like UTD's Jamie Hartwell have 179 kills and not be on somebody's Most Wanted List. Am I right?

As every miscue and mistake is another nail in the coffin of our beloved Texas Rangers and their playoff aspirations, I better hurry up and get in one last Rangers joke before the long winter. Ok, you ready?

What do wounds suffered in a jousting duel and the Rangers' center fielder have in common? They are both Laynce Nix. Ba-dum-dum chishh. Thanks, I'll be here all week.

The Rangers flirted with a playoff berth just long enough to keep us interested, but then decided to forget how to play baseball.

They swept the division-leading A's and then dropped two of three to the cellar-dwelling Mariners. When Anaheim came to town, the Angels' Dallas McPherson provided just as much offense as the Dallas team.

Our pitching staff can't hold a lead that our offense can't provide. At least one thing is certain: Ameriquest Field will never be called Chan Ho Park.

After more than two weeks with a increasingly-smelly cast around my thumb, here's a word to the wise. Even if it seems like the thing to do at the time, and even if your friends tell you that you will be cool if you do it, don't break your thumb. It's not all it's cracked up to be.

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